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Funny quotes

Funny love quotes

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
The four most important words in any marriage...
You can't buy love on eBay.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Women marry men hoping they will change.Men marry women hoping they will not.So each is inevitably disappointed.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue.
When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
Men only have two faults....What they do, and what they say!
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.
By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is infinite,

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Funny friendship quotes

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money
Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families.
Best friends are those who, when you show up at their door with a dead body, say nothing, grab a shovel, and follow you.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.
Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice
I have lost friends, some by dath, others through sheer inability to cross the street.
It takes a long time to grow an old friend
We must hang together, or surely we shall hang separately
Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected
You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
Friends are relatives you make for yourself
Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
"I got a lot of best friends. Some o' them I don't even hardly know!"

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Funny life quotes

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

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Funny Quotes about women

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. (Alfie, 1966)
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls.
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
Don\'t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can\'t wear in the evening.
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)
The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear,
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. (Mississippi, 1935)
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

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Funny Quotes about men

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
Men are like bank accounts.Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window.
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance -- a sharp, vindictive glance.
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
For everybody knows that it requires very little to satisfy the gentlemen, if a woman will only give her mind to it.
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up.
Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen,
My attitude toward men who mess around is simple: If you find 'em, kill 'em.
There's nineteen men livin' in my neighborhood eighteen of them are fools and the one ain't no doggone good.
What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning,

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Funny work quotes

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on - This person must be fired.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em,
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
No project was ever completed on time and within budget.
People are always available for work in the past tense. -Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour quotes
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.
In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

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Funny Family quotes

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving
When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador:
I don't believe in mathematics
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault
I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying
I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!
Imagination is more important than knowledge
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
I've never been one who thought the Lord should make life easy; I've just asked Him to make me strong.
Good friend, always be open to the miracle of the second chance.

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