There are 3 kinds of people: those who can
count & those who can't.
Time is what keeps everything from
happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the
outcome of a rain dance.
Behind every successful man is a surprised
woman. - Maryon Pearson
Son, if you really want something in this
life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the
lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
If you tell the truth you don't have to
remember anything.
What are the three words guaranteed to
humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.Without a lot
of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a
parallel universe.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again; it was probably worth it.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real
eye-opener.
The more you complain, the longer God
makes you live.
Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what
others have.
No one is listening until you make a
mistake.
You tried your best and you failed
miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to
go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend
to accumulate.
Good judgment comes from bad experience
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't
get out alive.
For every action there is an equal and
opposite criticism.
Better to understand a little than to
misunderstand a lot.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie
while looking for a bigger stick.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two
evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia
Whatever women do they must do twice as
well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with
battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have
to buy her friends?
The greatest pleasure in life is doing
what people say you cannot do.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants
have died.
If your wife wants to learn to drive,
don't stand in her way.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong
and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but
nobody wants to die.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
It's just that yours is stupid.
The only reason people get lost in thought
is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate
expired?
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before
He Admits Hes lost?
I am not a vegetarian because I love
animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Man invented language to satisfy his deep
need to complain. Lily Tomlin
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better
give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
If love is blind, why is lingerie so
popular?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour
seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like
an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
After twelve years of therapy my
psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No
hablo ingles."
Everyone has photographic memory; some
just don't have the film.
There are three sides of an arguement --
your side, my side and the right side.
Always remember you're unique, just like
everyone else.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push
the Up button.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
There is a fine line between fishing and
just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under
construction.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
He's so lazy that if there were work in
bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay,
pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy
Note - The key to a good relationship is
the key. Give me back the key.
It's 11PM, do you know where your pants
are?
My advice to you is get married: if you
find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. -
Socrates
There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
When I die, I want to go peacefully like
my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in
his car.
