Funny Quotes about women

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My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. (Alfie, 1966)
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls.
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
Don\'t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can\'t wear in the evening.
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)
The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear,
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. (Mississippi, 1935)
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
How can I possibly dislike a sex to which Your Majesty belongs? (on Queen Victoria's suggestion that he disliked women)
From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class.
They are so afraid we shall break down, and you know the reputation of the college is at stake,
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I like my whisky old and my women young.
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are,
There are no women composers, never have been, and possibly never will be.
To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
"One of the reasons I don't see eye to eye with Women's Lib is that women have it all on a plate if only they knew it.
"When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands."
"Direct thought is not an attribute of feminity. In this, women are now centuries behind man."
"When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs."
"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote." -Grover Cleveland, Former US President (1905)
"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man."
"Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property.
"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of most women. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"When a woman says, 'I don't wish to mention any names', it means it ain't necessary to mention any names.
"Most women are not as young as they are painted.
"Women add zest to the unlicenced hours.
"Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's - That's because she changes it more often.
"My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own appartment."
"Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car."
"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking."