Behind every successful man, there is a woman And
behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
one works.
What is the difference between a wife and a
girlfriend? About 45 pounds!!
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found
out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
shithead's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they
are beautiful.
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to
the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
can there be greater than this one?"
greatest one liners
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great
trade!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some
people have.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to
me and not you!
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where
the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the
purpose.
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless
cord.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better
idiot.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at
once.
A three-year-old little boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath
“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” replied his mother
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill
your drink.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a
cigarette.
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours
forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found
out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Plan to be spontaneous .......... tomorrow.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to
her husband,”I look horrible,
I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.”
He replies,” Your eyesight is perfect.”
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of
lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands
and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one
lawyer every hour.
men one liners
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
How does a man prove his ability to plan for the
future
A: By buying a case of beer.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10%
of the men after making
love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed
themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home
smart one liners
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag
you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.
Here I am! What are your other two
wishes?
To err is human. To forgive is against
company policy.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled
with your software.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and
illegal in 37 states.
Police Station toilet stolen: cops have
nothing to go on.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact
change.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights
wesewved.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with
'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your mouth is moving.
If you haven't much education you must
use your brain.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
If you think nobody cares if you're
alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The only substitute for good manners is
fast reflexes.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Never do card tricks for the group you
play poker with.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a
limited inventory.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do
it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never underestimate the power of stupid
people in large groups.
I am not a vegetarian because I love
animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page
numbers done.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need
a haircut.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
I took an IQ test and the results were
negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice
cubes got stuck in my nose.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO
ME NOW!
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then
things got worse.
We have enough youth, how about a
fountain of smart?
To succeed in politics, it is often
necessary to rise above your principles.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once,
never opened, small stain.
To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Spent the whole day checking items off my
task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to
complete tasks
family one liners
If your parents never had children, chances are you
won't either.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
home.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy
disk?
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report
card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
Dorothy.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still
an idiot.
Classics one liners
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Better to remain silent and be thought a
fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood
type is B Negative.
There are two rules for success: 1.)
Don't tell all you know.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Genius does what it must, talent does
what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness
pays off now.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats
real stupidity.
I need someone really bad. Are you really
?
I used to have an open mind but my brains
kept falling out.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be
orgasmic.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks
you're an asshole.
I used to have a handle on life, and then
it broke.
I just got lost in thought. It was
unfamiliar territory.
Join the Army, meet interesting people,
and kill them.
I get enough exercise just pushing my
luck.
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
Success is a relative term. It brings so
many relatives.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my
bombardier
Some people are only alive because it is
illegal to shoot them.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can
do with your lips.
The hardness of butter is directly
proportional to the softness of the bread.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight
relationship.
One should love animals. They are so
tasty.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer
and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension
is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Computers help us to do stupid things
faster
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir
Q: Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry
Maria Shriver?
A: They are trying to breed bullet proof Kennedys
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it
kills all of its students.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They all come out at night
Funny Adds one liner
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to
appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or
best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows
everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must
be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half
off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to
baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward.
Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can
be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring
coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect
for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda
fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the
hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that
does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for
pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children
requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable
of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per
hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s
made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty.
Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call
Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer
and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free
coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a
rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s
in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with
its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
sick one liners
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. He
still thinks communism was a good idea until he was being rushed to the
hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be
reward.
