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One liners

women one liners

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes,
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

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Love one liners

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" (thanks to Karthik Narayan)
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds!!
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over,
here cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

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greatest one liners

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Plan to be spontaneous .......... tomorrow.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
A three-year-old little boy was examining
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

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Men one liners

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and
I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
A recent survey conducted in America showed
Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
boys
Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things:
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

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smart one liners

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Police Station toilet stolen:
I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Do not argue with an idiot.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

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family one liners

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
your
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
A will is a dead giveaway.

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Classics one liners

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
I need someone really bad. Are you really ?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

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sick one liners

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror,
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Dain bramaged.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
The Religious Right. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - unknown

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office one liners

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

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General One liners

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

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