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women one liners 
Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

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Love one liners 
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds!!
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over,
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
here cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams
If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" (thanks to Karthik Narayan)
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

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greatest one liners 
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
A three-year-old little boy was examining
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

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Men one liners 
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
A recent survey conducted in America showed
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things:
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ?New Car Interior?.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles
If you never want to see a man again, say, ?I love you, I want to marry you.
There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn?t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
he best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

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smart one liners 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Do not argue with an idiot.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Police Station toilet stolen:
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening'
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

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family one liners 
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
A will is a dead giveaway.

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Classics one liners 
Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
I need someone really bad. Are you really ?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

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sick one liners 
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Dain bramaged.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror,
The Religious Right. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - unknown
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others,
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair

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office one liners 
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

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General One liners 
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it?s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

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