The LHC successfully collided particles at record force
earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping
supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also
claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last
Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him
rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his
'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.
Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for
his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist
where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power,
the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist
chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."
This isn't the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC.
Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory
pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson
was so "abhorrent" that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented
its own discovery.
Professor Brian Cox, a former CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV
scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. "Bless him, he sounds harmless
enough. At least he didn't mention bloody black holes."
Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later
disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.