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| Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. | |
| Multitasking means screwing up several things at once. | |
| Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do | |
| The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. | |
| I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest. | |
| Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. | |
| Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. | |
| Plan to be spontaneous .......... tomorrow. | |
| Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade! | |
| Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. | |
| Jesus is coming, so look busy. | |
| I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was | |
| For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord. | |
| Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. | |
| IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. | |
| Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. | |
| A three-year-old little boy was examining | |
| The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. | |
| Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. | |
| Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. | |
| Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. | |
| Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. | |
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. | |
| I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! | |
| A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. | |
| A woman standing nude in front of a mirror | |
| Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" | |
| A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. | |
| "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." | |
| On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. | |
| I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. | |
| Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! | |
| When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. | |
| Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. | |
| A backward poet writes inverse. | |
| When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. | |
| A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. | |
| A boiled egg is hard to beat. | |
| When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. | |
| Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. | |
| Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. - unknown | |
| Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the Law! - NASA briefing slide | |
| Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. | |
| Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt | |
| Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley | |
| It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent. - Q., Star Trek, the Next Generation | |
| Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. | |
| Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. | |
| Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? | |
| A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" | |
| Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. | |
| Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter." | |
| A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. | |
| There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. | |
| Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. | |
| Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. | |
| In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man~ if you want anything done, ask a woman. | |
| It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser | |
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