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| I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. | |
| If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. | |
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| Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? | |
| Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control. | |
| Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" | |
| Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." | |
| Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. | |
| Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. | |
| Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. | |
| Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. | |
| I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." | |
| How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. | |
| I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. | |
| The beatings will continue until morale improves. | |
| A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. | |
| When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. | |
| Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. | |
| When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. | |
| A will is a dead giveaway. | |
| Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. | |
| My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair | |
| I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. | |
| To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. | |
| The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to. | |
| I am an only child. I have one sister. | |
| If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, | |
| Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. | |
| I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary. | |
| Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. | |
| My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film. | |
| I can get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and my family can look at me too and that's all that matters. | |
| If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. | |
| Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, | |
| A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. | |
| In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry'. | |
| When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. | |
| The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. | |
| Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. | |
| "I wish I understood then what I do now, that I had concentrated more on the vital and less on the urgent." | |
| The grass isn't greener on the 'other side', the grass isn't greener on your side. It's Greener where you water it. | |
| “Parenting is the only job, that you don't know if you did a Good job, until it's too late!” | |
| "What you cannot enforce, do not command." | |
| "How do you spell Love to your children? T..I..M..E " | |
| "Old Age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Skill! | |
| "We always got along," said Gordon, (Of his marriage to Gen, of more than 52 years). | |
| "Marriage is like a card game. They start with a pair; he shows a diamond; she shows a flush; | |
| "The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time." | |
| "The best friend of your conscience must always be self-control." | |
| "Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for." | |
| If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living. | |
| The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. | |
| Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house. | |
| What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. | |
| A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. | |
| One old friend is better than two new ones. | |
| When a thief kisses you, count your teeth. | |
| One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter | |
| Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. | |
| I miss my wife's cooking. . . . as often as I can | |
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