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| I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. | |
| Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. | |
| If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. | |
| Going to church doesn't make you a Christian | |
| Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, | |
| I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. | |
| There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. | |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. | |
| Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. | |
| Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. | |
| Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told. | |
| I need someone really bad. Are you really ? | |
| If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. | |
| Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. | |
| I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke. | |
| I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. | |
| Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. | |
| I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. | |
| You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. | |
| Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. | |
| God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier | |
| Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. | |
| Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. | |
| The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. | |
| Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. | |
| One should love animals. They are so tasty. | |
| Stress is when wife is pregnant, | |
| Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. | |
| Why are vampires like false teeth? | |
| Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. | |
| Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. | |
| Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person | |
| Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. | |
| Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. | |
| "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" | |
| I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. | |
| Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. | |
| Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. | |
| If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? | |
| Look out for #1. Don't step in #2. | |
| Do witches run spell checkers? | |
| What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. | |
| Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. | |
| Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. | |
| The name is Baud......, James Baud. | |
| Windows: Just another pane in the glass. | |
| Press -- to continue ... | |
| Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... | |
| Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! | |
| I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. | |
| I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. | |
| The dead batteries were given out free of charge. | |
| If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. | |
| In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. | |
| A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. | |
| Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. | |
| A calendar's days are numbered. | |
| A plateau is a high form of flattery. | |
| If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. | |
| Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. | |
| Acupuncture: a jab well done. | |
| when your gal ain't just a dish, she's a whole set of china ... (just a line that I like from a song ) | |
| Any book worth banning is a book worth reading. | |
| Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - G.B. Shaw | |
| You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. | |
| Christmas is at our throats again. - Noel Coward, annual holiday card | |
| There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright | |
| Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item. - unknown | |
| I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't. - Ulysses S. Grant | |
| Do I mind if you smoke? I don't give a shit if you burn to the ground! | |
| Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. | |
| I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. (thanks to Jeff Dudley) | |
| If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2? | |
| I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. | |
| Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. | |
| Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde | |
| The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. | |
| If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. | |
| Life is sexually transmitted | |
| I'm not getting older...I'm getting better | |
| Age is a very high price to pay for maturity | |
| No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck | |
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